


Baby Fortress

by hikikomochi



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-11 14:06:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2071179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikikomochi/pseuds/hikikomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our favorite mercenaries have been turned into the child version of themselves, save for Scout. Now it's up to him to take care of the miniaturized lunatics until they turn back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That was Not Beer

Everything started at the beginning. Scout was in fact the youngest of the nine mercenaries, everyone knew that even Scout. He'd come around and accepted that when he first met the others. But the way they all treated him was a whole other story. Scout felt like he was a small helpless child, even after he bashed like 10 guys' head. He was not a small helpless child, but the others didn’t seem to get that.

Engineer, Soldier, and Spy kept on teaching the young scout about how life goes, how to do this and that properly. It was as if Scout knew nothing about the world.

Sniper always seemed to tone down his curse words around Scout, like the way parents hold down theirs to keep their children from having foul mouths. Demoman once offered all but Scout a drink, thinking he was too young to handle the stuff. Don’t even get him started on Heavy, all that 'little baby' crap.

Worst of all was Medic. He'd offer Scout bandages with cartoon characters with them whenever Scout scraped his knee or cut his finger. Sometimes Medic gives him lollipops. The sugar-free kind even! _'We do not want any cavities, now'_ Medic said when Scout complained once. Screw him, Scout was a big boy, he can handle little boo-boos and toothaches.

Screw everyone.

"Do you want Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck?" Medic held the colorful bandages in each hand, snapping the younger from his unpleasant thoughts.

"No, _no!_ I'm sick 'a this! I'm sick 'a you all treatin' me like some five year old!" Scout threw his hands up, "I'm a grown man, and- BWAH!" Scout yelled as Medic sprayed disinfectant on his wounded elbow.

"There," Medic smiled at himself as he stuck a Mickey Mouse bandage on, "Good as new!"

Scout's death stare didn’t affect Medic's enthusiastic grin at all.

"You've gotta be kiddin' m-"

" _DOKTOR_!" A familiar voice boomed from the hallways. Heavy burst out from the door, thankfully not collapsing it again, "come celebrate victory with rest of team!"

" _Wunderbar!_ I'll be right there." The doctor rushed to the exit, Heavy was already running to the common room, "Herr Scout, you should come with."

Scout's angry scowl was replaced by a big smile, he jumped off the operating table and yelled, "Hell yeah!"

"Oh, take that bottle with you please," Medic pointed at one of the bottles on a desk full of other bottles with stuff Scout didn’t want to know about inside of them.

"Uh, which one?" Scout looked back at where Medic had been standing. The old German was already gone. He nervously turned around to the bottles on the desk.

"Hurry!" Medic called out from outside.

"All right, all right!" Scout closed his eyes, "eenie, meenie, miney..." He finally grabbed the nearest bottle and ran off with it.

Scout arrived in the common room, the large brown bottle in his hands. Everyone was there, talking to each other about their last battle and how they beat the crap out of those BLU guys.

"Ah, _docteur_." Spy approached Medic, "I trust that you brought the liquor you have promised?"

" _Ja!_ " Medic snatched the bottle out of Scout's hands, "The finest German _bier!_ Ach, you would not believe how much trouble I went through to get this."

"Then we shan’t waste it, laddies!" Demoman appeared and clapped Medic and Spy on the shoulder, "Come on then, boyos! Let's drink like there’s no tomorrow!"

Medic poured each of the glass, making sure it was the safe amount (Demoman snuck some more in his own glass). Scout's liquid was a lot less than the others', he noticed.

"Hey! How come you geezers get more ‘a this stuff?" His angry scowl came back.

"'S a little strong, lad." Demoman shrugged slightly, gulping down the stuff right after.

"It is true, Scout." Spy eyed the Scott, who was falling off of his chair and quickly passing out on the floor for a moment before returning to Scout, "You are but a child" Spy took a sip of his beer, "you cannot-"

"No! Screw you! I am not some kid who needs to be babysat by eight lunatics! I'm definitely old enough to as much drink this stuff as you old geezers!" Just as the young scout finished his angry speech, he found himself standing in the middle of a room full of unconscious gentlemen, and some also unconscious doves.

"You guys?"

Scout took a look at the liquid in his glass, slowly remembering that it might have not been the special German beer, it was probably some random experimental crap the doc's been working on. He poked Spy, who was resting his head on the table. The Frenchman snored quietly, signaling that he was breathing. Great then, they're all still alive. Scout decided not to drink the stuff, just incase. He then poured it in a nearby houseplant and walked back to his dorm.

What a weird day.

The young scout quietly prayed that his team wouldn’t grow anything like tentacles in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be so dumb, stay tuned.


	2. Immature Brats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some children are less tolerable than others.

Scout felt something sitting on his chest, he grumbled and slowly opened his eyes. A megaphone made out of a sport magazine was right in front of him. Dammit, it was way to early to deal with Soldier's crap.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, PRIVATE?" The yell was amplified, making it way too loud for any unfortunate creature to hear, "OH SIX HUNDRED, THAT MEANS YOU ARE LATE. DOWN AND GIMME TWO _MILLION_."

"Holy shit! Okay, okay, I'm up!" Scout sat up and the person fell on the floor with a loud _THUD_. He was sure it was Soldier, but then he looked at the fallen. It was a kid wearing soldier's helmet, eyes covered and all, "Wh-? Hey! How'd you get in here?”

Scout panicked and picked up the child, "put me down!" The mini Soldier protested.

"Yo, fellas!" Scout called out as he entered the common room, "is it bring your kid to work day ‘cus there's a-"

The room was full of children, all perfectly similar to the rest of the mercenaries. They were laughing, running around, some were even jumping on the couch. Scout blinked and rubbed his eyes, silently hoping that he was still dreaming. He slowly looked over at the houseplant, now too small for it's pot.

"Aw, crap." 

"He said the c word!" A child yelled, followed by a choir of 'oooooooh's.

One conclusion entered the young scout's hollow head, but it didn’t make sense so he made another conclusion. The stuff from last night's beer party had turned all who drank it into children! Scout was completely horrified, mostly because he might have been the cause of this. Wait, not _might have_. He _was_ the cause of all this. Medic's totally gonna maul him and- Scout suddenly felt a tiny hand grab his.

"Scout?" A small sniper called out, "What's going on? I'm scared."

Scout twitched an eye. He was torn between wanting to laugh and helping the little kid sniper.

A small Medic scurried over to approach the three.

"I think I know what happened," the mini doctor's death glare would have been terrifying if he didn’t have such big adorable eyes.

"What're you, blamin' me for this?! You shoulda' told me what exactly which bottle to get last night, dumbass!"

"He said the a word!"

"Ooooooooh!"

"Nu uh, doc, it's totally your fault this time!"

" _Nein_."

"It is."

"It isn’t"

"Yes. It is!"

"No it isn’t."

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn’t!"

"Is!"

"Is not!"

Scout threw his free arm up in frustration, Soldier still held in the other.

"Fine. Fine! If I say it's _my_ fault, will you fix this?"

Medic crossed his tiny arms and looked away, "it _is_ your fault, _dummkopf_."

Scout almost strangled the child; he'd forgotten how hard it was to deal with bratty know-it-all children. He felt a tug on his shirt, Scout was expecting Sniper but the little Aussie had gone, instead it was little Heavy who was tugging him.

"Scout, Heavy is tiny baby now." Heavy started.

"Yeah, no shit."

("He said the s word!" "Oooooooh")

"Little baby Heavy is hungry. Need sandvich."

"Say the magic word." Scout smiled smugly, looking down at the itty bitty Russian.

"Make Heavy sandvich or Heavy kills you."

Scout's smile vanished.

"Tell you what," Scout began, "I'll make you some, _if_ ," he shoved the tiny Medic towards little Heavy.

"Don’t touch me!"

"Medic here figures out a way to turn you all back to yourselves."

Medic pouted and glared at Scout. 

" _Doktor?_ " Medic turned to the pleading Heavy, "Please, _doktor?_ "

So he _did_ know what the magic word was. That disrespectful son of a-

"Ach, alright!" Medic rolled his eyes, "It will take some time. You need to take care of the others while I work, herr Scout."

Scout eyed the tiny Medic as he scurried behind him, he expected the doc to walk straight to the lab, but the brat climbed up his back instead.

"Carry me."

"Wh-?"

"This will be faster."

Baby doves flew over and sat on Scout's head. They must've drunk the stuff too.

"Onwards!" Medic pointed his tiny gloved finger forward, slightly making the young scout want to charge backwards into a concrete wall and squash the child.

The others, including Soldier who was forgotten but still stayed in Scout's arm, turned their focus on Medic being carried on Scout's back. 

"I wannae horsy ride too!" The tiny Demoman exclaimed.

"I'm goin' next!" Engineer yelled, raising his hand. 

"Mmrph mmph!" The small Pyro flailed excitedly.

Scout was close to tears, its gonna be a long day.


	3. The Sweet Bitterness of Babysitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, children. The only creature that could literally transform from bundles of joy, laughter, and sweetness into tiny bite sized demons from the deepest pits of hell in less than a mere twelve seconds.

Medic was tucked away safely in his lab. Well, not exactly safely since the lab was not in any way _safe_ for a small child. But anyway, Scout was walking down the corridor with Soldier, who was adorably walking the goose step. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all, the young scout thought. At least the old geezers weren’t all that ugly anymore, besides Scout could be in charge for once since the others had been turned into the child versions of themselves, that’d make Scout the oldest.

"Scooooouuut!" A little Engineer rand down the hallway and quickly hugged Scout's leg.

"What's up, hardhat?" He looked down at the child to find out that the little Texan was crying, Scout crouched down and patted Engie on the back, "Hey, hey now, what's the matter little guy? Did someone hit ya' or somethin'?"

It felt a little weird to comfort Engineer; usually it was the other way around.

"Spy's sappin’ my sentry!" Engineer tried to stop crying, but the tears kept streaming down his goggles. Soldier was a surprisingly thoughtful child as he offered the poor engineer a piece of cloth to blow his nose with.

"Godammit, Spy!" Scout called out. Nobody came out of the common room; it was still crowded with the laughter of miniaturized lunatics. But the hallway was quiet, way too quiet. A few footsteps were heard from here and there. And then it was quiet again. 

"SPY!" Soldier yelled but it was too late. Engineer was pushed down to the floor with a loud whump, the poor thing landed on his face.

A little spy uncloaked and laughed an unattractive snorty laugh as Soldier helped Engineer up, Scout patting his back to stop him from crying some more.

"Can you just stop being an asshole for one frikin' day?!"

"You should have seen the looks on your faces, _mon Dieu_!"

" _YOU_ SHOULD SEE _YOUR_ FACE WHEN I SEPERATE YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR BODY, YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A DUMB... BEDWETTING... SISSYPANTS... _BULLY!_ "

Soldier's threat and insult only made Spy's laugh harder and more annoying. Scout stood up, a bit content because he was looking down at Spy this time. He had a plan, a stupid one that probably wouldn’t work. But it was worth to try.

"That's it," Scout pointed at the support dorm, "Go to your room, Spy!"

Spy stopped laughing, his face dropped, "But- but, Scout, I was only-"

"No buts, you're grounded, mister!"

The little spy pouted before dragging himself to his dorm. Scout couldn’t believe that actually worked.

Well, those were two brats out of the way. Now to take care of the rest of them.

The common room was full of loud laughter and childish arguments; a few children were even playing with toy guns. Haha, you know what? They were actually pretty cute once you look pass the-

_Those weren’t toy guns._

Scout rushed in and grabbed every single dangerous weapon in the room and stuffed them all in the closet. He was rewarded by a few ‘awww’s and sad stares.

“No way, I aint’ gonna let you guys play with those things. Not until you turn back into grown ups, got it?” The young scout never knew how thrilling it was to command the others.

“Nn phnn!” Little Pyro crossed their little arms and grumbled.

“Aye, what do ye want us to do now?”

Scout hadn’t thought of that. He remembered one of his brothers had told him that children need to have activities to get them occupied or they might throw tantrums and destroy a building. Well regular children probably won’t exactly destroy one whole building, but the ones Scout was dealing with weren’t exactly regular children.

“Sandvich!” Little Heavy yelled.

Scout remembered that none of them had any breakfast yet. He didn’t know why exactly, but he had something in him that was making him want to actually take care of the little psychos.

“Right, right, you guys sit tight. I’ll make some food.” Scout turned the TV on and flipped to a cartoon show. The others quickly turned their attention to the dancing mouse on the screen, “There, go watch TV.”

The little sniper resisted the urge to indulge a dumb, childish show. He was a professional, and professionals don't just go about watching silly moving pictures. But it looked so _nice_ , so much _fun_ , ahaha that stupid duck fell off a building. Sniper found himself sitting on the couch in front of the TV and laughing along with Pyro. He felt his self dignity slowly disintegrating.

Everything was great. Scout got the children under control; he could make the sandwiches in peace. Scout felt a tap on his back; he turned around and looked down to find the little Demoman holding a bottle of liquor.

“Ey, Scout. Can ye open this fer me?” He shoved the bottle to the young scout.

“Okay, just gimme a s- Hold it!” Scout realized something important as he took the bottle, “No way, man, children aint’ supposed to have this crap.”

"Why not?"

"'Cus... 'cus you might explode or somethin', I dunno."

"Cool!"

"Not cool! If you explode you die, and when you die I get in trouble, you don't want me to get in trouble do ya?"

“Well, what d’ya suggest a wee lad like me to drink, then?”

Scout threw one of his sodas at the little Scott. He barely caught it. Demoman quickly scurried away once he properly held the can.

“Ahem?”

He stopped and looked back at Scout, sighing and rolling his eye, “Thank ye, Scout.”

You would not believe how amusing Scout thought that was.

The young scout came back to the common room with a pile of sandwiches. The hungry mini mercenaries ran towards him and grabbed a sandwich, and Scout being a huge prick, made everyone say please and thank you. Ah yes, all the glorious power. They were all in Scout’s hands to control. All his to boss around and to toy with. Scout hadn't realized what he wanted all along was just _an army of children._

“ _Danke_ , herr Scout.” Medic took a sandwich and walked away.

 _Wait a minute._  

“Doc! Aren’t ya supposed to be in the lab?”

“It is boring there. I want to be here.”

“Whaddya mean you want to be here? I told you to find a way to fix this, you brat!”

“You’re not the boss of me!” Medic ran over to Scout and kicked his shin with his little foot and scurried out of the common room.

“Medic!” Scout was jumping around with one leg as he held the other, cursing under breath and wincing at the sharp pain on his shinbone. Damn that kid could kick _hard._

Of all the mercenaries, why must it be Medic who was that one _frustrating_ brat, why couldn’t it be anyone else? _Why?_

Pyro hurried over to Scout and stuck a rainbow sticker on the spot where Medic kicked him. It was sweet that Pyro cared enough to try and make Scout feel better. Scout laughed softly, at least _someone_  was nice to him. The itty-bitty cutie firebug made a happy muffled sound as they took out a match, lit it, and brought the hot flames over to the rainbow mark.

Some say the echoes of the young scout’s scream could still be heard beyond the canyons that surrounded the humble town of Teufort.


	4. Childish Shenanigans Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bunch of child mercenaries were running free around the base, and Scout for some reason was stuck in a little window.

Scout walked down the hallway with a plate of sandwiches and a juice box. He’d almost forgotten about the small spook he sent to his dorm, the poor thing must have been starving. As much as Scout hated Spy, he wasn’t cruel enough to let a small child die of hunger.

Scout knocked on the door.

“Yo, frenchie, brought ya’ some food.”

He slowly opened the door and looked around. The room was dark and cold, on the bed rested a blanket with a little lump underneath. It was probably the little Spy.

“Wake up, frog, you need to eat somethin’.”

Scout pulled the blanket down, revealing a large pillow underneath.

The door was suddenly shut closed with a loud bang.

“Spy!” Scout rushed to the door and grabbed the handle. But it was too late, a muffled _ker-chunk_ was heard from outside.

“I do not believe you did not see that coming!” The little spy smugly smiled in front of the door, putting the dorm key in his little suit pocket.

“I swear, Spy, when I get outta here I’m gonna bash that little head of yours into a brick wall you little dill weed!”

“Ooooh, I’m shaking with fear,” Spy mocked before walking over to where the others were. The little brat had so many plots he must deploy. He ominously chuckled an evil laugh as he cloaked himself.

_That’s what Scout got for trying to be nice to Spy._

Well, at least the room had a window. A very small window, hopefully not too small to crawl out of, Scout thought.

\---

Meanwhile in the common room, little Engineer was building a little toy robot out of some screws and pieces of metal he’d found lying around. Little Pyro was sitting across of him, curiously watching and occasionally passing the tools Engie needed.

“And it’s done!” the small engineer raised his newly built metal friend proudly, and Pyro clapped happily.

The toy robot soon moved around the room right after it was set down on the ground. It could walk, spin its head, and fire little red lasers at blue things.

“I think I’m gonna call her Tiffany.” Engie patted Tiffany’s head as she walked between the two.

“Drrs rr strrphrrd nrrm.”

But the little genius was too busy playing with his new toy to hear the little firebug’s nasty comment. Pyro shrugged and joined Engineer, running around following the small laser-shooting robot out to the hallway.

They both passed a large crate that looked like it was opened by force and emptied out, since it was sitting next to a pile of small cardboard boxes. A piece of cloth was set in front to cover up whatever was happening inside and a sign that said ‘ _NO BLU S ALOWD’_ was taped nicely on it.

“Whad’dya mean yer captain, lad? I’m the one with the sword here!”

“Irrele- Irreleve- Not important! Only sissies use something as fancy as a sword to win a war! My grandad told me a  _real_ leader must find whatever is lying around and use _that_ as a weapon! In this case, a shovel, which _I_ have!”

“Me sword’s cooler and you’re just jealous, admit it!”

“Son, you know what I think? I think you’re the one who’s jealous because I’m a better leader than you are!“

“Oi! Why don’t ya’ buggers _both_ be the bleedin' leader and get this game bloody goin'!”

“ _It doesn’t work like that!_ ” Soldier and Demoman yelled in unison, then shot angry glares at each other and continued shouting at one another.

Sniper huffed and sat down, arms crossed, inside the crate fort. The poor little Aussie had been dragged by the two stupid-heads into playing a stupid game, and they’ve had been arguing for about fifteen minutes. The game hadn't even started yet. He’d much rather watch a silly cartoon than sit inside a box with two loud morons arguing.

The cloth moved slightly, too unnoticeable for anyone to notice. Anyone but Sniper, that is. He carefully snuck away from the arguing blokes. Before he was entirely out of the crate, somebody pulled him and tackled him down to the pile of small boxes. Which were surprisingly soft, what _was_ inside of those things? Sniper had no time to wonder about mysterious unclear products, he looked up.

“Sp-“ The little spook quickly put a hand over his mouth.

“Quiet, bushman, they will hear us.”

Sniper doubted they would.

“Before you say anything, I must admit that I need your help with th- _MON DIEU!_ ” Spy yelped and quickly took his hand away from Sniper’s mouth, “EKHH! You did not need to bite me, you disgusting savage!”

Sniper spat Spy’s glove out, “Blech, do ya’ even wash those things, mate?”

“As I was saying.” Spy took out a spare glove out of his suit and stuffed his little hand in it, “I need your help with this mission I am currently on.”

“Better not be sappin’ around one of engie’s things again.”

“Do not worry, _mon ami_ , it is far from that. It involves, how do you say, cookies?”

“Cookies?” Sniper stood up, “Ya’ mean American biscuits?”

“ _Oui_ , a whole jar of American biscuits.”

The little Aussie was silent for a while.

“I’m in.” Sniper finally said, genuinely interested in said biscuits.

“ _Très bien!_ ” Spy’s smile quickly switched to a serious gaze, “But we cannot talk here, it is not safe. Come with me, bushman.”

Spy looked around suspiciously for anyone who might have heard their conversation. He crouched down behind everything that could possibly hide him from attention and stuck on the walls whenever he could. Engineer and Pyro were standing almost five meters away and were, in fact, staring, but Spy didn’t seem to notice them. Sniper, who was just casually walking behind the over-suspicious spook, swore he could hear Spy quietly singing the 007 theme music to himself.

_Dork._

They both passed Medic's lab, paying no attention to the muffled noises coming out of it. It sounded like someone was having a conversation. A muffled child's that belonged to little Medic, and a weird-sounding higher pitched voice which sounded like it came right out of a children's puppet show.

“That was not very nice of you to kick herr Scout’s shinbone, _mein freund_ , coo.”

“It was not my fault! He was telling me what to do and I did not like it.”

“But he was just trying to do what is best for the team, coo coo. You need to apologize to Scout now, coo!”

“Well, I suppose you are right.”

“Of course, I am Archimedes after all! Coo coo!”

“I know, I know, you are the smartest bird in the whole wide world.”

“Why is baby doktor talking to self?”

Medic almost fell off the operating desk he’d been sitting on; Archimedes, who was resting on his hand, quickly flew away to safety. He clumsily turned himself to little Heavy and adjusted his glasses to avoid utter awkwardness, it didn't work. Heavy just stood there looking as confused as ever.

The mini doctor cleared his throat, “Heavy, how long have you been standing there?”

“Long time.”

“Oh.”

 ---

Back in Spy's dorm, Scout was trying to push himself out of the small window. His head and arms were completely out, and his torso was mostly still inside.

He cursed Spy every time he breathed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally made Spy sing the Mission Impossible theme song. 007 seems to fit him better tho. 8)


End file.
